The Parenting Paradox

Adapted from the Active Parenting of Teens Program and the book “How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk”

“Why is parenting the ultimate paradox? You control the money, you’re bigger, you’re stronger, you’re smarter, you’re way more educated, and yet somehow you’re the one who ends up doing what you’re told,” (Graham, 2025). Parenting is seemingly full of paradoxes: When I try to help my child, they lash out at me; When I go beyond my boundaries, my child just wants more; When I try to share hard-earned advice, they shut me down. In fact, at times, parenting turns into a power struggle where both parents and children are left feeling misunderstood, disrespected, and angry. Mom tells her daughter Molly to clean her room; Molly “forgets” and goes out with her friends. Molly wants money to go to the mall; Mom wants to know if Molly thinks money grows on trees. In both scenarios, Mom and Molly have different needs and perhaps a power struggle ensues. However, what if ideal parenting is not about power, but about connection?

Finding the Feelings behind the behavior

One of the most powerful tools parents can use is acknowledging and validating children’s feelings. Imagine you as an adult are in the workplace where a colleague is speaking unkindly to you. After many attempts to manage the situation on your own, you tell your boss what is going on. Imagine that instead of dealing with the situation, your boss says about your colleague, “oh him- he is nice to everyone! Are you sure you’re not being a bit too sensitive?” How do you feel? Probably confused and angry. Your boss completely invalidated your internal experience.

Similarly, when children feel misunderstood or dismissed, they often become defensive or escalate the unwanted behavior. However, when parents can recognize and validate the emotions behind the behavior, children are more likely to calm down and engage in productive communication and problem-solving. Additionally, when parents help their children tune into what they are feeling, it helps build their child’s emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Leaning into the child’s difficult feeling instead of dismissing it or trying to solve the problem, allows children to acknowledge, process, and cope with their difficult emotions. The child then also feels like their parent truly understands what they are experiencing and cares about their feelings which builds connection, safety, and trust. Once the parent validates their child’s emotions, they can then state their own feelings and perspectives about the situation. Then, a conversation regarding mutually satisfying solutions can be had.

For example, in the situation above where Molly is asking her mother for money to go to the mall, Mom responds from a place of stress and a desire to show Molly that earning money takes a lot of work. However, Molly may be coming from a place where she feels embarrassed and ashamed to not have money to spend at the mall while all her friends do. To validate her underlying emotion, the conversation may go something like this:

Mom: “It is probably really tough, maybe even a little embarrassing, to go to the mall with your friends and be the only person who does not have money to spend.”

Molly: Yeah.

Once Molly’s underlying feeling is validated, Mom can move on to state her feelings:

Mom: “When you ask me for money to spend at the mall so often it makes me feel like you don’t truly understand and value how hard I work to earn that money. That is frustrating for me.”

Molly: “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just that all my friends’ parents always give them money to go to the mall.”

At this point, Mom can turn to working to find some mutually satisfying solutions while continuing to validate what Molly is experiencing:

Mom: “I know you never meant it that way, and it’s probably hard to see everyone else’s parents giving them money, while yours do not. Let’s brainstorm together about what could work for you. Do you have any ideas?”

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Children benefit when parents model regulated and calm behavior even when the child’s behavior is extremely triggering for the parent. Validating the child’s feelings while simultaneously restating boundaries and clear expectations, provides structure and helps children understand boundaries. This balance of firm, clear guidance paired with warmth and understanding creates an environment where children feel both safe and supported. When expectations are consistent and communicated clearly, children are more likely to develop responsibility and internal motivation rather than simply reacting to external discipline. Over time, children learn an important lesson: all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are. This distinction helps them develop emotional awareness and self-control.

Let’s use the example with Mom and Molly again where Molly will cross a boundary with her response to Mom:

Molly: “The only solution that works for me is you giving me the money. If you weren’t so annoying about it then everything would be fine.”

Mom: “Even though you are frustrated, when you speak to me like that, it makes me want to walk away and not give you any money at all. Would you like to try that again?”

No matter how Molly responds afterwards, Mom clearly stated her expectations about how she should be spoken to while validating how Molly is feeling. If Molly stomps off, Mom can approach her at a later time when Molly feels calmer and they can try to communicate about what happened and try problem-solving again. If Molly remains in the conversation and tries again, Mom can continue with the mutual problem-solving. Either way, everyone’s feelings were acknowledged and boundaries were firmly placed, all while Mom demonstrated emotional regulation and respect.

Building Independence and Resilience

Many everyday conflicts present opportunities to teach decision-making and responsibility. Rather than immediately offering solutions, parents can guide children through a collaborative brainstorming process. Parents can invite children to help brainstorm solutions and together they can choose a solution that satisfies everyone. As the parent, try not to shut down any solutions until all of them have been expressed or written down. All ideas should be treated with respect. Then, parents and children can go through the list together and decide which solutions work for everyone.

Often, parents feel the urge to swoop in and take care of a problem for their child which is natural and understandable. However, this does not teach the child how to solve their own issues, can inadvertently teach the child not to trust their own abilities, and prevents the child from coming up with their own solutions which can surprisingly be even better than what the parent may have suggested! When children participate in problem-solving, they feel respected and are more likely to follow through with the plan. Over time, they develop skills in reasoning, empathy, and accountability. This collaborative process also prepares children for the complex decisions they will face as they grow older.

Let’s continue with the example of Molly and her mother:

Molly: “Yes, I’ll try again. I can ask nicely and then you can give me some money to spend at the mall.”

Mom: “I will write that idea down on this list.”

Molly: “Okay, what about if you give me my allowance now instead of at the end of the week”

Mom: “That’s good. I will write that down.”

Molly: “Are there chores around the house I can do that would earn me some money I can use?”

Mom: “There might be. I will write that idea down as well. I have an idea too- I can help you write a resume and find some jobs you can apply for to make your own money.”

Molly: (Doubtfully) “Okay. I think that would be too much going on for me right now, but I guess write it down.

Mom: “Okay, anything else?”

Molly: “Yeah, maybe you can tell me how much you would be willing to give me, and I can use my allowance from last week for the rest.”

Mom: “Mhmm.” (writes it down).

After everyone’s ideas are shared, Mom and Molly can go through the list and settle on a solution that works for both of them.

Conversations About Substance Use

As children enter adolescence, parents inevitably face conversations about alcohol, drugs, and other risk-taking behaviors. These discussions can be difficult, especially if teens expect lectures or punishment. However, open communication and a strong parent-child relationship significantly reduces the likelihood of risky behavior. While conversations should be respectful, boundaries should remain clear. Teens benefit from knowing their parents’ values and expectations regarding substance use. Some helpful conversation guidelines include:

· Describing specific observations rather than making accusations

· Expressing concern about safety and wellbeing

· Listening carefully to the teen’s perspective

· Reinforcing expectations while discussing consequences

For example, a parent might say:

“I noticed you seemed different when you came home last night, and I’m concerned. Can we talk about what’s going on?”

This approach keeps the focus on connection and problem-solving rather than confrontation. Additionally, children are less likely to engage in risky behaviors when certain protective factors are present in their lives such as strong relationships, emotional regulation skills, and a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence in their worth and abilities. These protective factors can all be strengthened through the core skills previously discussed in the article: identifying and validating feelings, setting and maintaining clear boundaries, and building independence and resilience.

Parenting is not simply about managing behavior today—it is about preparing children for adulthood. By combining empathetic communication with clear boundaries and expectations, parents teach children how to regulate emotions, solve problems, and make responsible choices. When children grow up feeling both guided and respected, they are better equipped to navigate challenges, including the pressures surrounding substance use, with confidence and integrity. In the end, parenting, despite often seeming paradoxical, is really all about connection.

Nachma Fagin, LMSW, is a licensed social worker at Tempo Group, where she has been supporting individuals and families through a compassionate, evidence-based approach for almost three years. She earned her Master’s Degree from Touro University Graduate School of Social Work and has training in addiction recovery treatments, parenting programs, trauma-informed care, play-based modalities, and group and family therapy. Nachma specializes in working with adolescents, adults, and their families navigate challenges in addiction bringing both clinical expertise and a deeply empathetic, client-centered perspective to her work